When it’s all sun and cherry blossoms in Vancouver, it’s hard to imagine that a short 1.5 hour drive away you could be faced with snow - and lots of it. All over the trail and in your way while you’re trying to be active so you can justify drinking more champagne.  That’s why in the pictures below we look terribly under-dressed for such arctic conditions, just so you know.

On Friday, we decided to head up to Whistler and walk the Lost Lake loop trail with Whiskey. We packed the following essential hiking supplies, none of which are available at MEC:

• Tim Horton’s water – check
• Unfinished squares of Mink’s PB & hint of J chocolate bar – check
• Begging Strips for Whiskey – check
• Half a bottle of champagne  – check

Luckily, despite the lake’s frosty appearance, it was really quite mild out. Even luckier, our trained eyes spotted the perfect opportunity to chill our champagne with a quick burial in the parking lot snow drift. Here are instructions for a lovely day and night in case you find yourself in a similarly distressing situation:

First, dig a hole.

Second, place the champagne in the hole (bury it a little so other hikers don’t find it before you get back).

Warning: your dog will look highly unamused at being delayed.

Once the champagne is secured in its bed of ice, commence hiking.

If the road looks treacherous, take some time to ponder your options.

We suggest finding some grandfather’s beard in order to look more ponderous than usual.

Whatever you do, do not fall into the ice. It is, afterall, called Lost Lake for a reason. Chances are no one will find you.

Rest often.

When you finish the 5km loop, drink the champagne.  Don’t be afraid to pretend you hiked farther than you did. The champagne will taste better the farther you say you hiked.

Next, get a walk-in rate ($159/night; dog bed included) at the Whistler Hilton.  

Do not eat soup at the Mix at the Ric’s. Even if you are really, really poor and think soup will save you money, get the burger. Trust me.  

Finally, re-live your respective  pre-wedding parties like it’s 1999 at Buffalo Bills. 

Eat breakfast here if you care about things like bacon and hashbrown (and you should!).

Then, return home along the confusing new sea-to-sky (it’s so disorienting not to see the Horseshoe Bay ferry terminal anymore) without ever once mentioning to your wife/girlfriend/buddy that she/he sleeps with their mouth open like a stoned caveman.

Known to her neighbours as a nice, quiet and unassuming girl who rarely sheds her conservative side, she was kidnapped Friday afternoon from work by a crazy woman and her three friends. Authorities have released the following mugshot:

Beware, these suspects are considered armed and dangerous.  

Jennifer was last seen in Whistler, held captive by the suspects pictured above, emerging from the Pan Pacific. Security cameras in the village caught footage of her looking something like this:

Needless to say, her family is in shock.

Today, a province-wide search commences for a blonde pirate, a salsa-dancing devil, what appears to be a boa-clad evil kitten and a turtlenecked woman going by the name of Whoreton.

All tips on this case will be fully exhausted by a committed search team lead by this man:

Her friends and family say there is little hope this Monday.

Over and Out,

Tamara Taggert